By Andrew, son of Kevin
When we first moved into our house it was perfect and clean. But it was bare of all the little touches of love that make someplace a home. So Princess Leila went about decorating the house with a fury that only a woman can accomplish. She brought in new furniture and decorations. She set about throwing trinkets and sparkling things in different locations. Creating our little kingdom of warmth and love. She also began making a long list of chores for me to accomplish. Such as painting the walls a different color and hanging pictures, along with other various tasks. As my list of tasks grew larger and larger. I was not all that upset when I had to go back to work. Even though I knew my list would be that much longer when I returned. Now I say my chore list grew larger and larger. I do have standing orders. I am the gate keeper to all things that creep and crawl. I am the Knight that stands guard against all critters. When it comes to the animal kingdoms multi legged or winged invaders I am death incarnate. Little did I know the Spider Queen was waiting for me to abandon my post. The Spider Queen waited until dusk to strike. As the sun set on our Princess’s little castle the Spider Queen invaded.
The Spider Queen was not just any spider, but she was a wolf spider. I’m not sure if you’re aware of wolf spiders but they can be very large. From tip to tip they can be as large as your hand. The larger ones are often mistaken for tarantulas. They also carry their young on theirs backs. Thousands and thousands of little specs of terror.
As our hero princess was finishing up her day and making new plans for the next. The Spider Queen attacked. Princess Leila encountered her foe in the kitchen (actually the breakfast nook, but in any event). Now I said I’m the Knight that stands guard, but Leila is not defenseless. She was trained by Sheila The Great. She who could train any animal and could dispatch creepy crawlies with ease. Leila knew what she had to do. Our hero grabbed her weapon of choice. A boot. As Sheila the Great had taught her. “ Because a shoe will just piss em off”. Princess Leila reared back and brought the weapon down with a fury! The boot struck down the Spider Queen and the exceptionally large spider was smited! Victory was at hand. Or so she thought. The Spider Queen had a secret weapon. A weapon of instant terror and panic. She was not just a Spider Queen but a Spider Queen Mother! The most horrific of enemies. As Princess Leila disengaged, thinking she was victorious. A second attack occurred. Thousands and thousands of tiny specs of disgusting horrific terror exploded from the corpse of the fallen queen. They spred like wild fire. In all directions they fled. The diameter of their attack grew larger and larger with an unimaginable speed. As the horde grew larger Leila composed herself and calmly reengaged. No, no she did not. She lost her mind. The sight of a kabilion tiny spiders spreading all throughout your house with an alarming speed would rattle anybody. But fear not our dear readers. Princess Leila would not be defeated. However, she would break the Genova convention by using chemical warfare. She quickly retrieved a can of bug spray (or wood cleaner or whatever had spraying capabilities) and redeployed the Boot of Vengeance ! Spraying and smashing everything that creeped and crawled until nothing moved.
After what probably seemed like an eternity battling the demons that spawned from hell itself. She had won. All invaders had been vanquished. Although she saw little spiders from time to time as a result from PTSD (post traumatic spider disorder). She was finally victorious.
She called me after the battle to let me know that we needed to employ an exterminator. No, let me rephrase that. She ordered me to contact an exterminator immediately. It was definitely not a request. As a matter of fact it was a top priority. I did not question the order and happily added it to the top of my ever growing chore list.